Make It or Break It

By: Jesilyn
City University

Abstract
Marriage can be the most magical experience between two people. However, it can also be the most horrific union two people can share. Also good, catches the readers attention. What makes or breaks a relationship? Are there patterns that predict weather a couple will succeed or not? If a relationship is in turmoil is there any way to turn the situation around and keep the union together? These are the things that we will discover as we examine the work of psychology’s legend Dr. John Gottman who in his 30 years of research has interviewed videotaped, surveyed, examined, and followed everyday people engaging in marital relations and can successfully predict, with more than a 95% accuracy rate, which marriages will work and which will fail (Gottman, 1999, 7).

Make It Or Break It

According to John Gottman PH.D., no marriage is without conflict and the success of a marriage depends on the couple’s process of communication. Great information….Just because married couples get angry often and engage in arguments does not mean that their marriage is distant end in divorce. Well written here…Matter a fact many solid marriages under go multiple conflicts. The key aspect to their success is the patterns they use in their every day lives. For instance, the “masters” of marriage know the best and worst aspects of each other. They know their partner's needs, ambitions, and language (not just verbal but body language). They have learned to communicate effectively, and can talk about things without attacking or down playing their partner. They are willing to unite to solve the issues at hand and accept personal responsibility for their role in the problem. They are capable of doing this because they spend time together, and provide five times more positive attention than negative attention. This in it’s self provides a type of pillow that softens the emotional blow during a later conflict. This is what keeps things from becoming disastrous. “Disastrous”, kind of sounds like “disasters” and that’s how Gottman describes the marriages that are distant to fail. These couples tend to engage in the four horseman activities and have a better chance of separation. So, what are the "Four Horsemen"?

The Four Horseman

Criticism (Gottman, 1994, p74):
Attacking ones partner on a personal level instead of the issue.

Defensiveness (Gottman, 1994, p 84):
Attempting to justify ones self by either denying responsibility or counter attacking.

Contempt (Gottman, 1994, p 74):
One party begins name calling, casting personal insults, or engaging in facial expressions such as the rolling of the eyes.

Stonewalling (Gottman, 1994, p 93):
Directly or indirectly ignoring the person who is speaking, or simply by walking out of the area completely.

These actions cause distress which in return causes physiological flooding. The signs of flooding are visible through, a rise in the individual’s blood pressure, rapid heartbeat, increased breathing patterns, the inability to sit still, changes in facial expressions, and the inability to process information correctly.
Of course, when information isn’t processed correctly, then the relationship suffers and if a relationship is suffering because of the "Four Horseman", then a couple has a choice. They can throw in the towel like so many do, or they can chose to work through the issues and attempt to save the marriage. The key word here is work. The fact is if you don't know it by now, all successful marriages require the hard work of both parties. Over the years Gottman developed a plan that when used will create a sound marital house even if the marriage is on the brink of destruction.
The first step is for the couple to create a "Love Map." (Gottman, 1999, 47) Basically a love map is a series of questions that allow the couple to see how well they actually know their partner. First, the partner's separate and each of them fill out a questioner. The questioner asks specific details about their partner. Details like, what is your partner’s favorite author, friend, color, holiday, hobby, or tree. It seeks answers to questions like, what are your partner's ambitions, goals and mentors. These are questions that help partners connect on a very personal level. After the couple fills out the questioner, they come together and share their answers. Many times the information may be wrong. This is ok. It requires the couple to update the information and note any changes. This is a positive way of communicating and should not be taken personally.

The second step to bridging mending a broken relationship is to take steps to build fondness and admiration. (Gottman, 1999, 61) Great sentence and good opening to this paragraph. The couple begins to acknowledge the good qualities about their spouse. They find ways to use sentences that begin with "I appreciate it when", and “I like it when”. They learn to issue compliments to their partner to show how much they care. Dr. Gottman even provides a checklist of adjectives that can be used to describe the individual should they get stuck on their choice of words. Compliments and appreciation statements can earn some extra points and are needed to get through the controversial times.
The third step to bridging the gap of conflict is to commit to certain activities that can strengthen the relationship. (Gottman, 1999, 79) These types of activity will allow a couple to turn towards each, other rather than turn away. Activities can include an extravagant event such as a cruise, or something as simple as a video and candle light dinner at home. The action doesn't necessarily take money to accomplish. A simple walk, a kiss, or acknowledgement can have extreme meaning. Great job! The primary idea is to find ways to connect, and spend quality time together. Turning towards your partner shows mindfulness and awareness of your partner's needs. Turning towards doesn't come easy so prepare to stumble around in the dark until you learn what works and what don’t.
The fourth step is verbal communication. (Gottman, 1999, 99) This allows both parties in the relationship to take each others opinions, and points of view into consideration. The couple should be able discuss outside and positive issues along with the negative ones. They may begin by spending as little as twenty min. a day taking part in a stress reducing conversation. This allows the couple to practice verbal, as well as, listening skills that are helpful when problem or conflict conversations come into play. Always remember, a good listener does not interrupt the speaker, or impose their own opinion. They do however express statements that comfort the speaker and allow them to feel acknowledged. Being acknowledged happens to be a huge factor especially since there will always be some issues that are solvable and some that are gridlock.
The best was to understand the difference between solvable and gridlock problems is to note that solvable problems create pain but can be worked on until a solution is found (Gottman, 1999, p 133). Gridlock problems involve such intense pain that they generally have little to no chance of becoming solved. (Gottman, 1999, 132). Most cases of conversation that remain in gridlock include sexual preferences, child rearing strategies, family relationships, religion, and home maintenance. However there is a chance that these issues can be worked through. The first thing that a couple needs to do is understand that gridlock problems usually have an underlining meaning that stems farther back than the current issue. Take for example a couple that cannot agree on the condition of their home. One partner may be obsessive about keeping the home in perfect condition, where as, the other partner may wish to maintain a less than orderly atmosphere. This can create some fairly complicated arguments that end in resentments. Each time the couple discusses the matter it-may end in gridlock. This matter can be approached in a better way. One partner can choose to ask the other why it means so much to them. They can seek out the partner's feelings, and possibly find the hidden agenda. Maybe one of the partners grew up in an organized home and there fore grew accustom totaling pride in their home. Or maybe it was just the opposite. Maybe, the partner grew up in an organized home, where so much time was spent taking care of the home that emotional needs were left unmet, therefore, they prefer a more relaxed atmosphere. Once the underlining reasons are established, the couple can begin to understand what they each want to change, and what they each need. By finding the symbolic meaning of the issue they can begin to compromise.

No matter the situation, couples should attempt to understand and respect each others point of view. They should stray from any action or statement that screams, "I'm right; you're wrong!" This is commonly known as the attribution error. The attribution error is built on ethnocentrism and causes the individual to judge the other based on his or her own beliefs and values. Despite popular belief most people face conflict in this manner and this causes physiological changes to occur. I like all the concepts here, respect, listening, facing conflicts…you have such good information. This is a sign that the party is in emotional and physical distress.
Since most people are ethnocentric at times and have physiological changes during conflict its best, prior to any stressful discussion, that a couple prearranges a hand signal that will alert each other to distress. Each person should agree to watch for signs that together may be in distress and be willing to ask if a break is necessary. They should also agree that if distress takes hold that they will take, no less than, a twenty minuet break and agree upon a specified time to reconvene. During this break they can -go for a walk, carry out household chores, or use relaxation techniques. Above anything else they should not use this time to rationalize the situation. This time should be spent doing self-soothing exercises such as deep breathing, relaxing muscles and anything else that will assist the individual at regaining control. Please note that males take longer than females to recover and abuse victims of both genders may require extra time as well.
Since arguments happen even in the best of relationships, it's important for the couple to process the argument. This doesn't happen immediately following an argument. It can take hours before a couple will be ready for such a conversation. We call this conversation "The Aftermath". Basically this is a time for the couple to engage in a "recovery conversation." They should talk about the issues without rehashing the actual argument. They should move from the attack/defend mode to a collaborative mode. Basically this means discussing how they felt during the argument, and discussing the other party’s side in a clam manner. This conversation will include admitting to your role in the argument, and what you could do differently the next time you discuss the issue. This can be a lot easier if the couple utilizes Dr. Gottman's questionnaire called "The Aftermath of a Fight Questionnaire."
Conclusion
Over all, through out the relationship, it is vital for a couple to create shared moments. They should attempt to commit to the simplest tasks and provide support to their mate. These small tokens provide ones partner with a sense of appreciation, admiration and affection. By performing self-checks and updating one’s copy of their “love map" they will also be building a stronger since of belonging which allows the couple to continue to renew their relationship. This of course will also assist both parties in acknowledging the physiological changes that occur and creating a new distress plan as needed. They should always be able to explain what it is that is upsetting them in a clear direct manner (Gottman, 1999, p 164) and while discussing the issue they should also willingly provide appreciation for any previous attempts. Remember appreciation opens ears. (Gottman, 1999, 165) so don’t store things up till they explode and always treat your partner like a guest with politeness and control. (Gottman, 199, p 165). Most people would accept influence from a guest so if a person attempts to understand their partner's side this way it would be a lot more pleasant. Basically, compromise where you can and allow for distress, de-escalation and repair. If a solution is established and forgiveness is allowed the situation should not be rehashed in the future, and be willing to accept the issues that you cannot change. Now go ahead… Put these steps together and watch any relationship bloom.
References

Gottman, John. (1994). Why Marriages Succeed Or Fail. New York, New York:
Simon & Schuster Inc.

Gottman, John, & Silver, Nan. (1999). The Seven Principles For making marriage Work.
New York, New York: Crown Publishers Inc.