The Art & Science of Love

Introduction: Marriage can be the most magical experience between two people. However, it can also be the most horrific union two people can share. So, What makes or breaks a relationship? Are there patterns that predict weather a couple will succeed or not? If a relationship is in turmoil is there any way to turn the situation around and keep the union together? These are the types of things that we will be discovering as we examine the work of Dr. John Gottman and the Gottman Institute. Dr. John Gottman PhD. Since 1973, Dr. John Gottman has been researching what causes a marriage to succeed. He has interviewed, videotaped, surveyed, examined, and followed everyday people engaged in marital relations.  He calls his study the "masters and disasters" of marriage. During his studies, he noted the individuals’ heart rates, facial expressions, and their personal views of their marriage. He actually found that a person’s blood pressure will rise above 95, they will wiggle around in their seat, and their facial expressions will change when they become distressed. His work has made him a living legend because he can successfully predict, with more than a 90% accuracy rate, which marriages will work and which will fail. Over the next few pages you will see what Gottman’s research has to say about what makes and breaks a marital relationship. What Is A Positive Relationship? First of all, process is everything. “The Masters” have learned to communicate effectively, and   deal with issues better. Second, these couples know the best and worst aspects of each other. They know their partner’s needs, ambitions, and language. They talk about things without attacking and they do not down play their partner. Third,  “The Masters” will actually unite to solve the issues at hand and accept responsibility for their part of the problem. Lastly, They commit to spending time together, and provide five times more positive attention than negative attention.   What Destroys A Marriage? No marriage is without conflict. Just because married couples get angry often, and engage in arguments does not mean that their marriage will end in divorce. What matters is their ability to communicate effectively through the difficult times, as well as, the not do difficult times. How they argue and relate to one another will make a world of difference. According to Dr. Gottman, married couples that engage in the four horseman activities have a better chance of separation. So, what are the “Four Horsemen”? The “Four Horseman” consist of criticism (Attacking the partner on a personal level instead of the issue), defensiveness (Attempting to justify ones own position by either denying responsibility or counter attacking), contempt (Name calling, personal insults, or facial expressions such as the rolling of the eyes), and stonewalling (directly or indirectly ignoring the person who is speaking, or simply walking out on the speaker). These actions cause physiological flooding, such as, a rise in blood pressure, rapid heartbeat, increased breathing, and the inability to process information correctly. When information isn’t processed correctly, then the relationship suffers. If a relationship is suffering because of the “Four Horseman”, then a couple has a choice. They can throw in the towel like so many do, or they can chose to work through the issues and attempt to save the marriage. The key word here is work. The fact is, if you don’t know it by now, all successful marriages require the hard work of both parties. What Can Be Done About It? “Love Maps” Dr. Gottman has developed just the sort of game plan that can be put to action. These actions will create a sound marital house. The first step is for the couple to create a “Love Map.” Basically a love map is a series of questions that allow a couple to see how well they actually know their partner. First, the partner’s separate and each of them fill out a questioner. The questioner asks specific details about their partner. Details like, what is your partners favorite author, friend, color, holiday, hobby, or tree. It seeks answers to questions like, what are your partner’s ambitions, goals and mentors. These are questions that help partners connect on a very personal level. (love-map-1   love-map-2   love-map-3 ) After the couple fills out the questioner, they come together and share their answers. Many times the information may be wrong. This is ok. It requires the couple to update the information and note any changes. This is a positive way of communicating and should not be taken personally. “Fondness and Admiration” A second step to bridging the conflict is taking steps to build fondness and admiration. The couple begins to acknowledge the good qualities about their spouse. They use sentences that begin with “I appreciate it when”, and “I like it when”. They issue compliments to their partner to show that they care. Dr. Gottman even provides a checklist of adjectives that can be used to describe the individual should you get stuck on words. Compliments and appreciation statements can earn the extra points needed to get through the controversial times. “Turning Towards” The third step to bridging the gap of conflict is to commit to certain activities that can strengthen the relationship. These types of activity that will allow a couple to turn towards each, other rather than turn away. Activities can include an extravagant event such as a cruise, or something as simple as a video and candle light dinner at home. The action doesn’t necessarily take money to accomplish. A simple walk, a kiss, or acknowledgement can have extreme meaning. The primary idea is to find ways to connect, and spend quality time together. Turning towards your partner shows mindfulness and awareness of your partner’s needs. Turning towards doesn’t come easy, so be prepared to stumble in the dark until you learn what works and what don’t. (Example sheets: turn-towards-events-1 & turn-towards-events-2 ) “Communication” The fourth step is verbal communication. The couple must start communicating about outside and positive issues. They may begin by spending twenty minuets each evening taking part in stress reducing conversation. Again this allows partners to earn points for being a good listener. These skills are helpful when problem or conflict conversations come into play. As the couple discusses different topics they should focus on improving their listening skills. A good listener does not impose their own opinion, or  position. They may however express statements that comfort the speaker. It’s also very important to ask questions. This practice will not only allow the speaker to feel acknowledged, but it will also assist the listener in understanding what the speaker has to say. “Solvable v/s Gridlock” Before we discuss conflict conversations. It’s best to understand the difference between a solvable problem and a gridlock problem. A solvable problem creates hurt but can obviously be worked on until it’s solved. A gridlock problem is a problem that involves great pain when discussed. Every relationship has gridlock problems. They include things like sexual preferences, child rearing strategies, family relationships, religion, and home maintenance. These are the type of problems that tend to remain unsolved. A couple should understand this and focus on the positive and solvable issues because they can not even begin to sort their problems unless they can feel accepted and understand that each of them have outside issues that affect their opinions. “Attribution Error and Ethnocentrism” Now that we understand the difference between solvable and gridlock, we can begin to focus on tending to a conflict. When a couple seeks to improve their current situation, they must stray from any action or statement that screams, “I’m right; you’re wrong!” This is commonly known as the attribution error. The attribution error is built on ethnocentrism and causes the individual to judge the other based on his or her own beliefs and values. Despite popular belief most people face conflict in the manner and this causes physiological changes to occur. This is a sign that the party is in emotional and physical distress. “What to do in the case of distress” Since most people are ethnocentric at times and have physiological changes during conflict. It’s best, prior to any stressful discussion, that a couple prearranges a hand signal that will alert each other to distress. Each person should agree to watch for signs that the other may be in distress and be willing to ask if a break is necessary. They should also agree that if distress takes hold that they will take, no less than, a twenty minuet break and agree upon a specified time to reconvene. During this break they can go for a walk, carry out household chores, or use relaxation techniques. Above anything else they should not use this time to rationalize the situation. This time should be spent doing self-soothing exercises such as deep breathing, relaxing muscles and anything else that will assist the individual at regaining control. Please note that males take longer than females to recover and abuse victims of both genders may require extra time as well. How do you regulate Solvable problem discussions? You’ve allowed yourself to get to know your partner, acknowledged the physiological changes that can occur and have created a distress plan. You are now ready to attempt to discuss a solvable issue. But how do you begin? After you begin how do you control the way the conversation flows? What if you say something wrong? What if your partner says something that you don’t agree with? The answers require practice. The initiation should be done softly and politely. The individual should launch the complaint by using “I” statements and focus on the issue instead of the partner. They should be able to explain what it is that is upsetting them in a clear direct manner. While discussing the issue they should also willingly provide appreciation for any previous attempts. Remember appreciation opens ears. It will also allow suggestions to become accepted easier. Remember, do not store things up till they explode and always treat your partner like a guest with politeness and control. You would accept influence from a guest so attempt to understand your partner’s side. After all “[t]he only way to become powerful is to accept influences ”(Gottman).  Compromise where you can and allow for distress and de-escalation and repair. If a solution is established and forgiveness is allowed the situation should not be rehashed in the future. Above all, if all else fails be willing to accept the issues that you cannot change. Can Gridlock Problems be Changed Into Perpetual Dialog?  Gridlock issues arise and many times they are unsolvable, however there is a chance that these issues can be worked through. The first thing that we need to do is understand that gridlock problems usually have an underlining meaning that stems farther back than the current issue. Take for example a couple that cannot agree on the condition of their home. One partner may be obsessive about keeping the home in perfect condition, where as, the other partner may wish to maintain a less than orderly atmosphere. This can create some fairly complicated arguments that end in resentments. Each time the couple discusses the matter it may end in gridlock. This matter can be approached in a better way. One partner can choose to ask the other why it means so much to them? They can seek out the partner’s feelings, and possibly find the hidden agenda. Maybe one of the partners grew up in an organized home and there fore grew accustom totaling pride in their home. Or maybe it was just the opposite. Maybe, the partner grew up in an organized home, where so much time was spent taking care of the home that emotional needs were left unmet, therefore, they prefer a more relaxed atmosphere. Once the underlining reasons are established, the couple can begin to understand what they each want to change, and what they each need. By finding the symbolic meaning of the issue they can begin to compromise. What should a couple do after an argument? Since arguments happen even in the best of relationships, it’s important for the couple to process the argument. This doesn’t happen immediately following an argument. It can take hours before a couple will be ready for such a conversation. We call this conversation “The Aftermath”. Basically this is a time for the couple to engage in a “recovery conversation.” They should talk about the issues without rehashing the actual argument. They should move from the attack/defend mode to a collaborative mode. Basically this means discussing how they felt during the argument, discussing the other parties side, in a clam manner. This conversation will include admitting to your role in the argument and what you could do differently the next time you discuss the issue. This can be a lot easier if the couple utilizes Dr. Gottman’s questionnaire called “The Aftermath Of a Fight Questionnaire.” Conclusion Over all, through out the relationship, it is important that a couple create shared moments. They should attempt to commit to the simplest tasks and provide support to their mate. They should perform self-checks and be willing to follow up when needed. In conclusion the couple can maintain communication if they practice for five magical hours a week. If a couple will commit to showing their mate appreciation, admiration and affection, they will be well on their way. If the couple commits to knowing at least one thing their partner will do during the day, and share a six second kiss prior to parting, they will continue to reap the positive effects of what they have learned. Above all the couple will benefit from keeping an updated copy of their “Love Maps.” Put each of these steps together and watch the relationship bloom.  Better communication isn’t just a dream; it can become a reality.

Other Material That Will Assist Those  Who Wish To Put This Article To Use *Aftermath-Questioner-1 *Adjective Checklist *Examples Of Perpetual Issues Part-1 *Aftermath-Questionier-2 *Building A Map Of Your Partners Everyday Life *examples of perpetual issues Part-2 *Aftermath Questionier-3 *Dreams of a listener *Dreams Of A Speaker Repair Checklist *The Sound Marital House