This Blog covers a variety of subjects. Please notice that this section is called a Self-Help "Library". In other words, the information found here should only be used as an EDUCATIONAL TOOL for those who wish to know more about the topics. IF you find that you relate to any of our material, we suggest that you seek help from a legal, medical or mental health professional.
Saturday, January 19, 2013
Education
True Emotions
believes "Education" is the most important thing in a
person's life. Therefore, we are constantly adding to this section
in order to provide you with the ultimate learning experience. If
you would like to share apart of your educational experience with
us, feel free to submit your work in it's entirety to Jesilyn
| PK-12 Links | College-University Level | Other Helpful Links |
| Homeschool | Intro
to Psychology
Psy100 (HCC) (soon) |
True-Emotions Study Group |
| Human
Relations
Psy120 (HCC) |
Scholarship Sites | |
| Psychology
of Life & Death
Psy130 (HCC) |
||
| Human
Sexuality (HCC)
|
||
| Crime
Society
(HCC) |
||
| Human
Development
Psy202 (City University) |
||
| Writing
for Social Science
Psy311 (City University) |
||
| Ethics
Psy313 (City University) |
||
| Sociology
& The Family
Psy412 (City University) |
||
| Jesilyn's
Essays
(A combination of Essays) |
The Art & Science of Love
 |
Introduction:
Marriage
can be the most magical experience between two people.
However, it can also be the most horrific union two people
can share. So, What makes or breaks a relationship? Are
there patterns that predict weather a couple will succeed or
not? If a relationship is in turmoil is there any way to
turn the situation around and keep the union together? These
are the types of things that we will be discovering as we
examine the work of Dr. John Gottman and the Gottman
Institute.
Dr.
John Gottman PhD.
Since
1973, Dr. John Gottman has been researching what causes a
marriage to succeed. He has interviewed, videotaped,
surveyed, examined, and followed everyday people engaged in
marital relations.
He calls his study the "masters and
disasters" of marriage. During his studies, he noted
the individuals’ heart rates, facial expressions, and
their personal views of their marriage. He actually found
that a person’s blood pressure will rise above 95, they
will wiggle around in their seat, and their facial
expressions will change when they become distressed. His
work has made him a living legend because he can
successfully predict, with more than a 90% accuracy rate,
which marriages will work and which will fail. Over the next
few pages you will see what Gottman’s research has to say
about what makes and breaks a marital relationship.
What Is A Positive Relationship?
First
of all, process is everything. “The Masters” have
learned to communicate effectively, and
deal with issues better. Second, these couples know
the best and worst aspects of each other. They know their
partner’s needs, ambitions, and language. They talk about
things without attacking and they do not down play their
partner. Third,
“The Masters” will actually unite to solve the
issues at hand and accept responsibility for their part of
the problem. Lastly, They commit to spending time together,
and provide five times more positive attention than negative
attention.
What
Destroys A Marriage?
No
marriage is without conflict. Just because married couples
get angry often, and engage in arguments does not mean that
their marriage will end in divorce. What matters is their
ability to communicate effectively through the difficult
times, as well as, the not do difficult times. How they
argue and relate to one another will make a world of
difference. According to Dr. Gottman, married couples that
engage in the four horseman activities have a better chance
of separation.
So,
what are the “Four Horsemen”? The “Four Horseman”
consist of criticism (Attacking the partner on a personal
level instead of the issue), defensiveness (Attempting to
justify ones own position by either denying responsibility
or counter attacking), contempt (Name calling, personal
insults, or facial expressions such as the rolling of the
eyes), and stonewalling (directly or indirectly ignoring the
person who is speaking, or simply walking out on the
speaker). These actions cause physiological flooding, such
as, a rise in blood pressure, rapid heartbeat, increased
breathing, and the inability to process information
correctly.
When
information isn’t processed correctly, then the
relationship suffers. If a relationship is suffering because
of the “Four Horseman”, then a couple has a choice. They
can throw in the towel like so many do, or they can chose to
work through the issues and attempt to save the marriage.
The key word here is work. The fact is, if you don’t know
it by now, all successful marriages require the hard work of
both parties.
What
Can Be Done About It?
“Love
Maps”
Dr.
Gottman has developed just the sort of game plan that can be
put to action. These actions will create a sound marital
house. The first step is for the couple to create a “Love
Map.” Basically a love map is a series of questions that
allow a couple to see how well they actually know their
partner. First, the partner’s separate and each of them
fill out a questioner. The questioner asks specific details
about their partner. Details like, what is your partners
favorite author, friend, color, holiday, hobby, or tree. It
seeks answers to questions like, what are your partner’s
ambitions, goals and mentors. These are questions that help
partners connect on a very personal level. (love-map-1
love-map-2 love-map-3
)
After
the couple fills out the questioner, they come together and
share their answers. Many times the information may be
wrong. This is ok. It requires the couple to update the
information and note any changes. This is a positive way of
communicating and should not be taken personally.
“Fondness
and Admiration”
A
second step to bridging the conflict is taking steps to
build fondness and admiration. The couple begins to
acknowledge the good qualities about their spouse. They use
sentences that begin with “I appreciate it when”, and
“I like it when”. They issue compliments to their
partner to show that they care. Dr. Gottman even provides a
checklist of adjectives that can be used to describe the
individual should you get stuck on words. Compliments and
appreciation statements can earn the extra points needed to
get through the controversial times.
“Turning
Towards”
The
third step to bridging the gap of conflict is to commit to
certain activities that can strengthen the relationship.
These types of activity that will allow a couple to turn
towards each, other rather than turn away. Activities can
include an extravagant event such as a cruise, or something
as simple as a video and candle light dinner at home. The
action doesn’t necessarily take money to accomplish. A
simple walk, a kiss, or acknowledgement can have extreme
meaning. The primary idea is to find ways to connect, and
spend quality time together. Turning towards your partner
shows mindfulness and awareness of your partner’s needs.
Turning towards doesn’t come easy, so be prepared to
stumble in the dark until you learn what works and what
don’t.
(Example
sheets: turn-towards-events-1
& turn-towards-events-2
)
“Communication”
The
fourth step is verbal communication. The couple must start
communicating about outside and positive issues. They may
begin by spending twenty minuets each evening taking part in
stress reducing conversation. Again this allows partners to
earn points for being a good listener. These skills are
helpful when problem or conflict conversations come into
play.
As
the couple discusses different topics they should focus on
improving their listening skills. A good listener does not
impose their own opinion, or
position. They may however express statements that
comfort the speaker. It’s also very important to ask
questions. This practice will not only allow the speaker to
feel acknowledged, but it will also assist the listener in
understanding what the speaker has to say.
“Solvable
v/s Gridlock”
Before
we discuss conflict conversations. It’s best to understand
the difference between a solvable problem and a gridlock
problem. A solvable problem creates hurt but can obviously
be worked on until it’s solved. A gridlock problem is a
problem that involves great pain when discussed. Every
relationship has gridlock problems. They include things like
sexual preferences, child rearing strategies, family
relationships, religion, and home maintenance. These are the
type of problems that tend to remain unsolved. A couple
should understand this and focus on the positive and
solvable issues because they can not even begin to sort
their problems unless they can feel accepted and understand
that each of them have outside issues that affect their
opinions.
“Attribution
Error and Ethnocentrism”
Now
that we understand the difference between solvable and
gridlock, we can begin to focus on tending to a conflict.
When a couple seeks to improve their current situation, they
must stray from any action or statement that screams,
“I’m right; you’re wrong!” This is commonly known as
the attribution error. The attribution error is built on
ethnocentrism and causes the individual to judge the other
based on his or her own beliefs and values. Despite popular
belief most people face conflict in the manner and this
causes physiological changes to occur. This is a sign that
the party is in emotional and physical distress.
“What
to do in the case of distress”
Since
most people are ethnocentric at times and have physiological
changes during conflict. It’s best, prior to any stressful
discussion, that a couple prearranges a hand signal that
will alert each other to distress. Each person should agree
to watch for signs that the other may be in distress and be
willing to ask if a break is necessary. They should also
agree that if distress takes hold that they will take, no
less than, a twenty minuet break and agree upon a specified
time to reconvene. During this break they can go for a walk,
carry out household chores, or use relaxation techniques.
Above anything else they should not use this time to
rationalize the situation. This time should be spent doing
self-soothing exercises such as deep breathing, relaxing
muscles and anything else that will assist the individual at
regaining control. Please note that males take longer than
females to recover and abuse victims of both genders may
require extra time as well.
How
do you regulate Solvable problem discussions?
You’ve
allowed yourself to get to know your partner, acknowledged
the physiological changes that can occur and have created a
distress plan. You are now ready to attempt to discuss a
solvable issue. But how do you begin? After you begin how do
you control the way the conversation flows? What if you say
something wrong? What if your partner says something that
you don’t agree with? The answers require practice.
The
initiation should be done softly and politely. The
individual should launch the complaint by using “I”
statements and focus on the issue instead of the partner.
They should be able to explain what it is that is upsetting
them in a clear direct manner. While discussing the issue
they should also willingly provide appreciation for any
previous attempts. Remember appreciation opens ears. It will
also allow suggestions to become accepted easier. Remember,
do not store things up till they explode and always treat
your partner like a guest with politeness and control. You
would accept influence from a guest so attempt to understand
your partner’s side. After all “[t]he only way to become
powerful is to accept influences ”(Gottman).
Compromise where you can and allow for distress and
de-escalation and repair. If a solution is established and
forgiveness is allowed the situation should not be rehashed
in the future. Above all, if all else fails be willing to
accept the issues that you cannot change.
Can
Gridlock Problems be Changed Into Perpetual Dialog?
Gridlock
issues arise and many times they are unsolvable, however
there is a chance that these issues can be worked through.
The first thing that we need to do is understand that
gridlock problems usually have an underlining meaning that
stems farther back than the current issue. Take for example
a couple that cannot agree on the condition of their home.
One partner may be obsessive about keeping the home in
perfect condition, where as, the other partner may wish to
maintain a less than orderly atmosphere. This can create
some fairly complicated arguments that end in resentments.
Each time the couple discusses the matter it may end in
gridlock. This matter can be approached in a better way.
One
partner can choose to ask the other why it means so much to
them? They can seek out the partner’s feelings, and
possibly find the hidden agenda. Maybe one of the partners
grew up in an organized home and there fore grew accustom
totaling pride in their home. Or maybe it was just the
opposite. Maybe, the partner grew up in an organized home,
where so much time was spent taking care of the home that
emotional needs were left unmet, therefore, they prefer a
more relaxed atmosphere.
Once
the underlining reasons are established, the couple can
begin to understand what they each want to change, and what
they each need. By finding the symbolic meaning of the issue
they can begin to compromise.
What should a couple do after an
argument?
Since
arguments happen even in the best of relationships, it’s
important for the couple to process the argument. This
doesn’t happen immediately following an argument. It can
take hours before a couple will be ready for such a
conversation. We call this conversation “The Aftermath”.
Basically this is a time for the couple to engage in a
“recovery conversation.” They should talk about the
issues without rehashing the actual argument. They should
move from the attack/defend mode to a collaborative mode.
Basically this means discussing how they felt during the
argument, discussing the other parties side, in a clam
manner. This conversation will include admitting to your
role in the argument and what you could do differently the
next time you discuss the issue. This can be a lot easier if
the couple utilizes Dr. Gottman’s questionnaire called
“The Aftermath Of a Fight Questionnaire.”
Conclusion
Over
all, through out the relationship, it is important that a
couple create shared moments. They should attempt to commit
to the simplest tasks and provide support to their mate.
They should perform self-checks and be willing to follow up
when needed. In conclusion the couple can maintain
communication if they practice for five magical hours a
week. If a couple will commit to showing their mate
appreciation, admiration and affection, they will be well on
their way. If the couple commits to knowing at least one
thing their partner will do during the day, and share a six
second kiss prior to parting, they will continue to reap the
positive effects of what they have learned. Above all the
couple will benefit from keeping an updated copy of their
“Love Maps.” Put each of these steps together and watch
the relationship bloom.
Better communication isn’t just a dream; it can
become a reality.
|
| Other
Material That Will Assist Those
Who
Wish To Put This Article To Use |
Parenting
|
In
the old days, mothers said that it took a community to
raise "A" child. Today, We know they were right.
Therefore, True-Emotions is pleased to present our Parent's
Resource Center.
Here
you will find a wide variety of articles that you can use to
make parenting your child a rewarding, effective and fun
experience.
|
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)